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1The reading passage 2focuses on the topic that 3the memoir written by Chevalier is not accurate, 4proved by some critics. However, in the lecture the professor challenges 5the view6, she thinks that the memoir is a reliable 7sourse for several reasons.
First , according to the reading material, Chevalier was not as wealthy as he claimed in 8the memoir because 9the he 10borrow much money from a merchant11, 12but the professor indicates that to spend money on 13the parities and gambling, he had to convert his assets 14to money15, 16and it is easy to be in short of money, so he 17borrowed 18some from 19the merchant and in fact lacking 20lash does not mean 21to a poor state.
In addition, the professor claims that conversations between Chevalier and Voltaire, which 22is written in the memoir, 23is accurate.24and 25she 26support this point 27with the facts that every time 28after Chevalier finished talking with Voltaire, he would take notes, and some 29witness 30in that time 31has confirmed that Chevalier always consulted these notes when writing 32the memoir33, 34obviously, all of these facts are contrary to the conclusion in the reading that what Chevalier 35written 36in the memoir about 37the 38conversation 39could not exactly equal to that he worte. ??
Finally, 40while the reading passage41illustrates that Chevalier did not escape from the prison by himself and 42actually he was helped by his friends through bribery43, however, from the lecture we know that in the same prison there 44are many people whose 45friend 46are more powerful than Chevalier’s and none of these people 47has bribe 48the way out, showing that bribery is unreasonable49. What’s more, 50evidence that the ceiling of that prison 51was under repair soon after Chevalier left,52which comes from some old documents,53proves Chevalier’s 54own escape.
错误归类分析：
单词缺失：
1：修改建议：in.
49: 修改建议：as a conclusion.
50: 修改建议：there was.
一、选词错误：
2: 修改建议：critics argue.
3: 修改建议：Chevalier’s memoir(to be more concise).
5: 修改建议：this.
8: 修改建议：his.
12: 修改建议：However,
16: 修改建议：Therefore.
18: 修改建议：money.
21: 修改建议：he was poor.
27: 修改建议：by saying that.
32: 修改建议：his.
37: 修改建议：his.
39: 修改建议：were not true.
41: 修改建议：states.
48: 修改建议：their.
本文是托福TPO第8套综合写作真实批改报告。
二、多余文字：
4: 修改建议：put this earlier in the sentence to make this more concise.
9: 修改建议：no article.
14: 修改建议：you don’t need to say “to money” because that’s what convert assets means.
24: 修改建议：We rarely start a sentence with “and”.
28: 修改建议：you don’t need this world here.
34: 修改建议：If something is in fact “obvious” there is no need to state it. It’s better to cut the word “obvious” from anything you write and just start directly by stating the point you want to make.
36: 修改建议：This is quite repetitive. So cut it.
40: 修改建议：This is a word that signals contrast but you don’t have a contrast in this sentence.
52: 修改建议：This is not necessary to include since you already told us there is evidence.
54: 修改建议：This is redundant-“Chevalier’s” and “own” mean essentially the same thing-so cut it.
三、标点错误：
6: 修改建议：end your sentence here-one sentence should have one idea-when you start a new idea, start a new sentence.
11: 修改建议：This sentence is very long so it’s better to end here.
15: 修改建议：Therefore.
33: 修改建议：.
43: 修改建议：.
四、拼写错误(SPL)：
7: 修改建议：source.
20: 修改建议：cash.
25: 修改建议：She.
五、时态错误：
10: 修改建议：borrowed.
17: 修改建议：borrowing.
31: 修改建议：confirmed.
35: 修改建议：wrote.
44: 修改建议：were.
46: 修改建议：were.
47: 修改建议：bribed.
51: 修改建议：needed.
53: 修改建议：proving
六、冠词错误：
13: 修改建议：no article.
19: 修改建议：a.
七、单复数错误：
22: 修改建议：are( because of conversations).
23: 修改建议：are.
26: 修改建议：supports.
29: 修改建议：witnesses(because of some).
38: 修改建议：conversations.
45: 修改建议：friends
八、介词错误：
30: 修改建议：at.
九、词序不当：
42: 修改建议：that he bribed his jailers to help.
得分3.8分(满分5分)
任务完成情况 Development and Details 四星
充分阐述听力材料中的观点，并指出其与阅读短文的关系
Presented the points in the lecture and the relationship to the reading.
文章组织和结构 Organization & Structure 四星
能够表现出听力材料和阅读材料中的观点以及他们的关系。结构连贯清晰
Clear, coherent structure stating the points in each passage and their relationship.
论点扩展和细节运用 Development & Details 四星
准确阐说两个材料中的每个观点及它们的关系
Accurate presentation of each point in both passages and their relationship.
语法 Grammar 三星
能运用标准的书面英语，包括语法，词汇，拼写及标点
Command of the elements of Standard Written English, incl. grammar, word usage, spelling, and punctuation.
整体评分 Holistic Assessment 四星
表达清晰、文章连贯流畅
Level of clarity, cohesion and fluency in the presentation of the text.
总评
This is a good essay. You do address the task - you identify the differences between the reading and the lecture. You organize this well and you use appropriate transitions between paragraphs. The main area for improvement is in sentence structure and grammar. Most importantly, you want to be sure that each sentence contains just one idea.
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